Endless loneliness.

If reading that title makes your mind begin to scream, your breathing quickens, and your stomach tightens, then you need to keep reading.

I don’t think there is a human condition worse than loneliness. Usually, loneliness is brought on by separation from people. Whether family, friends, or even an occasional relationship with someone who isn’t strongly connected to you. In my times of loneliness, I would have opted for even that marginal relationship.

My absolute worst time of each day started around 5 o’clock, with between 6 and 7 o’clock the hardest. It came like a subtle, thick fog-soup that rolled over my heart and mind every single day. No matter what I tried to do to distance myself from the fact that I was alone, sometimes it made it worse.

The automatic pictures began to play in my mind. Husbands and wives were coming home, kids were preparing to ambush them at the door, all vying for their attention to share what had happened in their day.

Once the initial greeting was over, they gathered in the kitchen while finishing touches were put on the evening meal. Kids scrambled onto their chairs, and Dad stole a kiss from his wife before they, too, were seated at the table. Plates were served while the chatter found a lower urgency. But it was then taken up with laughter, or even tears, of the frustration of growing children. But somehow it was always resolved. In my mind, even the house seemed to hug its occupants, reassuring them of its protective walls.

The picture continues through babies and younger children peeking out from a bath full of bubbles. Tickles and hugs were given without limit. Bedtime stories were picked up where they left off until little heads nodded off in safe, contented sleep. Nightlights were left on to guide a sleepy child later in the night to find the bathroom or crawl up into mom and dad’s bed. Even though the people in my daily scenario had settled down, the picture still held a strong sense of peace and safety.

Standing outside through the hours of this daily torture left me exhausted as I tumbled into my own bed—alone. For a few brief hours, I was paroled from these mental pictures only to be set on a new course of daytime activity.

People heavily invested in coworkers, agreeing to go for drinks or dinner together after work, or catch the latest movie. The list never ended. Every direction I turned, there was someone making plans to be with another person. I'm glad that the screaming that was always going on in my head never found its way out of my mouth. I'm sure I would have been committed to a mental ward somewhere.

Now, to be completely honest, there were a few times I dove headlong into relationships for brief periods. I can’t tell you exactly what drew these people, who I thought were going to be my forever friends and family, but something always did.

My most recent heartbreak due to desertion by a friend came with my latest move. Oh, what glorious expectations I had! This time of my life was finally going to be the fulfillment of the Word God gave me years ago—My later years will be greater than my former years.

For a brief moment, it appeared that I was about to walk in the long-awaited promise. Instead, the all too familiar fog of loneliness and depression rolled into my apartment. Along with it, this time was a massive dose of guilt for not forcing myself to become something that I am not—a social butterfly. God didn’t give me that personality.

But once the major disappointment grew quiet, I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and made a conscious decision to venture out into this senior community where my life had been deposited. Four people began to look like they might hold the promise of at least one of them becoming that close, intimate one-on-one friendship my soul longs for. Slowly, it began to dawn on me that they, too, had other friends, family, and obligations that drew them away.

My heart has been crying out for months now. Who’s left? Where is that close friend that I was so sure we would be inseparable? There’s nothing like hearing the crickets of silence in your loneliness.

I had prayed a prayer just before moving here, asking the Lord to make my faith more real than it ever has been before. The plan I saw wasn’t anything like what has been unfolding for the past year.

Sitting on the side of my bed, crying out to the Lord to lift these disappointing trials, has been met with a resounding reassurance by the Holy Spirit, telling me that He is with me.

I’ve been hearing the Lord constantly reminding me of my prayer. It’s hard for us human beings to believe that God longs for our friendship even more than we long for the friendship of others. He waits in the line of people and activities to become empty to us so that we will draw near to Him and He will draw near to us.

I am ashamed to admit that my life’s desire to have that one close friend wasn’t always looking to Jesus as THE One who will fulfill that desire. The one who promises to stick closer than a brother. The one who promises to never leave me or forsake me. The only one who can and will meet my every emotional, mental, and physical need.

The argument I have had with the Holy Spirit is because I can’t SEE Jesus. It’s an internal dialog that I have to surrender to and trust that the two voices I hear are my own and that of the Holy Spirit, all by faith.

When I do this, every physical sense of loneliness fades away. I’m talking to my friend. He’s listening to my heart’s cry. He reassures me that He is truly here with me, and I am finally not alone. And I hear His voice even more when I submit to times of reading the Word.

I am facing another insurmountable situation again. One where people have already disappointed me with not doing what they said they would do. So the Holy Spirit sweetly reigns me back in closer to Him with the promise that He is working everything out. That he once again will overrule the world’s systems on my behalf, but it might not look like it did the last time.

So, I came to my keyboard today, right in the middle of all the swirling thoughts, to surrender what I think should happen and most of all, when it should happen, and trust God with it all. Especially the human element of people not doing what they say. I have to let go. Once I have followed all the Lord’s leading in doing my part, then I have to rest in Him.

When I try to force the situation, all I do is end up spinning my wheels, becoming more frustrated, and end up sitting on the edge of my bed at 3 a.m., reaching for God.

It’s a never-ending day, moment by moment walk with God. I’ve decided that I’ll never get it right. But the times that He draws me close, quiets my heart and whispers that He’s got me and not to be afraid, there is nothing in this whole world worth trading that for. No human relationship. No perfect mental pictures. Nothing. There’s nothing like having your heart and mind overshadowed by the Love of God when everything in you is screaming out for release.

If you find your life in the whirling pool of emotional craziness and hopelessness, let me assure you that there is a place you can go. God is waiting on you to run into Him and be saved.

I bless you.

 

Has anyone ever told you, “Don’t get your hopes up.”

When all hope is lost in our lives, we give up. I’ve been there. It took years of my soul being beaten down by my father’s broken promises. I truly believe that God gives all of us as children a sense of hope. The Biblical definition of hope is this,

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. vs. 6 But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.

I placed all my hope in my father. Over and over, he proved unfaithful. I sought my father’s love continually. No matter how many times he disappointed me, I went right back believing that he didn’t mean to disappoint me, and THIS time it would be different. After I was in my late thirties, I finally ran out of hope and love for him. There just wasn’t another drop in my tank.

In a way, it was a relief. It was over. I’d not have to go another second waiting for him to come to some sort of epiphany—It never came. I had to face the truth at last. As I walked away from my earthly father, I saw my Heavenly Father walking toward me. He embraced not only my tired adult heart but my broken child heart still within me.

There’s not a feeling in this world like having the arms of God go around you, drawing you close. Nothing was being said, just a warmth and acceptance in that moment. Was there work to be done in me now? Yes, the path was before me to regain all the hope that I had lost since a child. That seemed like a daunting task. But the difference now was WHO I was putting my renewed hope in.

I searched the Word and the ways that God has been faithful to me in so many ways. I’d been a Christian for fifteen years. I’d come to know God’s faithfulness through so many other times in my life when I went to Him like I had my father. It took time. But two promises that God has never broken have been that He would never leave me or forsake me. These were the first two things I asked God to promise me.

I’d been left by my father, and still I hung on to the belief that he was coming back. He destroyed my trust in him too many times to count. One day I asked myself why did I kept doing this. I knew he wasn’t trustworthy or even had a glimmer of regret about anything he failed to do in my life. That undeniable childlike faith, trust, and hope that is deposited in each of us when we are born is oftentimes misplaced. We place it in a broken, sinful human. A parent, a teacher, a friend, or someone who looks dependable but proves otherwise.

When I realized that I had exhausted all my hope on my father, I cried to God, asking, “What do I do now? How do I ever get any hope back?”

The above scripture tells us that God is a REWARDER of those who diligently seek him. His character is flawless. Slowly, day by day, I took my brokenness to God. Some days I felt absolutely nothing. And then one day I began to feel a small sense of hope quicken about something I had gone to God about. But the underlying fact that I learned about hope wasn’t just being hopeful, but Who I was placing my hope in.

This time it was God. The God of the Word. The God who can not lie. Is the same yesterday, today, and forever. The God who doesn’t change how He feels about me. The God who never stops loving me.

For years, I blamed myself for my father’s flawed behavior. I thought it was me. That I was wrong. That it was because of something I did or didn’t do. Coming to finally see that it wasn’t me, it was my father who was broken. He didn’t know how to love or keep his promises. The day I realized that he never once meant to ever keep any promise he made, it was enlightening! When that fact dawned on me, I saw the total waste of all those years. I had placed my hope in someone who had never had any intentions of keeping a single promise he made. That was an eye-opening moment. Devastating but freeing. At last, I was finally able to face the truth.

The word says, in John 8:31, Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed; 32 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

Although facing the truth about my relationship with my father was hard, it released me to begin to hope again. At that time, no one could even mention my father or speak to me about it without it devastating me. Today, I am so very grateful to say that all that is gone. God healed that childlike part of me. He replaced all my ability to hope again.

I always pray that anyone who takes the time to read what I post here will go away changed. This blog is written by someone who has had to walk out what she shares. It’s God in me reaching out through this page with an invitation to come to Him for everything you need.

I pray that you will take time now to go to God yourself. 

I bless you.

 

 

 

 

What impossible situation are you facing today?

 It's not over until God says it's over.

 

There’s only one person in my life that I believe everything that He tells me. And that is God. Believe me, I have a lot of people lately saying something about my life that isn’t true. I share the Word of God here because it’s the only thing to live by. If you are listening to any other source, you will suffer discouragement, dismay, and disappointment. Only God can make promises that are 100% trustworthy. But don’t take my word for it.

Titus 1 KJV

Paul, a servant of God, and an apostle of Jesus Christ, according to the faith of God's elect, and the acknowledging of the truth which is after godliness; In hope of eternal life, which God, that cannot lie, promised before the world began;

 We are living in a world right now where we are being lied to every day about something. False promises about products, fake news, and people who are not real people but photoshopped pictures. What do you need right now in your life? God’s got a Word for it. No matter what you have been told about God by religion that has caused you to doubt Him, I’d ask you to do one thing today.

I can guarantee this will work. Go to God yourself. If you have a Bible, get it out. If you don’t own one, go on the internet or go buy your own. Sit down, put God to the test, and see if He will not reveal Himself to you. If you think it won’t work, you are missing out on not only real Life here, but you are jeopardizing your future life. Why would you risk salvation when it is being freely offered to you today?

One other point I want to make perfectly clear. If Church or someone in it has disappointed you so much that you are holding it against God and blaming Him, please, I’m prayerfully asking you to go to God.

He has large shoulders. He can listen to ANY complaint or any angry belief that you have. Trust me, I have taken so many moods to God and poured out my heart to Him. Never once did He turn me away or fail to bring me back into a calm, trusting sense of His love for me.

It truly breaks my heart when a person tells me they refuse to believe in God because of another human being’s opinion.

I’m sure you have heard of this scripture at least once in your life. Are you a whosoever? Then this will be the very first promise God will make to you. Open your heart today by acknowledging that Jesus died for your sins, ask the Holy Spirit to come into you, and watch what happens. This is a personal step you have to take; no one can take it for you.

John 3:16 KJV

16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Or you can read this and walk away thinking this is just another person trying to sell me on religion. I’d have to agree with you about religion. It’s not religion, it’s a relationship being offered to you today.

I pray over this blog that anyone who takes the time to read it will be blessed. So you have been prayed for today.

As a child, were you taught to believe in yourself and that you could succeed?

I’ve been quiet here for a while. It’s crossed my mind several times to write a new post. By the Grace of God, when I come and look at the number of views on my blog… I have some! So someone is reading what I write here. I wish I could find the words to truly express what that means to me. Writing has been my main passion since I was a child. Sadly, as a child, I was never taught to believe in myself or set up for success in my life. In fact, the opposite was true. I don’t want to use your time here reading about another victim of their childhood, but I had a father who never once praised his child for anything she did. It was always the opposite. I learned at an early age that nothing I did was ever going to be enough. Yet my young heart, still tender with childlike hope, brought the things I did for him, believing that one day I would hear, “Well done! You did a good job.”

Instead, as the years passed and my hope of ever doing anything right were stripped away I tagged my father with this phrase, Not enough nuts and raisins. It came from cooking desserts for him. They either had too many nuts or raisins or not enough nuts and raisins. We never got it right.

Incredible as it seems, even to me, I have written several books which I sent out into the world each one a precious child, hoping that they would find acceptance, and each one read with the anticipation of more.

But after over twenty years of creating my books from start to finish, regretfully, I’m not a blip on the world’s literary screen. This has sent me in so many directions. From wanting to delete everything I've ever written and walk away, never to write another word, to what I've just done recently.

I’ve pulled all my self-published files up and re-edited them for one last time. When you write, you can often miss simple mistakes. A coma here, using there for their or you when you meant you’re. It happens.

But the thing that always brings tears to my eyes is the feeling like I’m reading a book for the first time that someone else wrote. I often have to pause and cry for a minute, asking the Lord why the work of my hands has gone unblessed. These are good stories. Positive stories. Relatable stories. And might I even add—page-turning stories.

So for the past several weeks, once again, I’ve sat in my world with my heart breaking over what my hands have created. As I confess here on this page, what God already knows,  they are not my books. I know this. Sometimes I can’t even remember writing them. It’s always been that way. An idea comes to me from some outside source or life experience, and when I sit down and start writing, as silly as it might sound, the story just seems to write itself. Characters’ experiences, places, love, loss, and even a mystery or two begin to become real.

January Sky was the very first book I wrote. It came to me from a picture of polar bears on the January page of a calendar. A young girl whom I worked with in my office was named January Sky, and I asked if I could use her name for the title of my book. She was thrilled, and I was certain that it was God’s leading to write the book.

Somewhere along the way, my expectations got all mixed up with my Faith. God says that he blesses the work of our hands. But please don’t get me wrong. God has blessed my life in so many ways over these seventy-six years through this scripture. I don’t know what I’d ever have done without Him. It’s just in this one part of my life that all the seeds of my efforts have lain dormant, fruitless.

Deuteronomy 28: 1And it shall come to pass, if thou shalt hearken diligently unto the voice of the Lord thy God, to observe and to do all his commandments which I command thee this day, that the Lord thy God will set thee on high above all nations of the earth: 2 And all these blessings shall come on thee, and overtake thee if thou shalt hearken unto the voice of the Lord thy God. 3 Blessed shalt thou be in the city, and blessed shalt thou be in the field. 4 Blessed shall be the fruit of thy body, and the fruit of thy ground, and the fruit of thy cattle, the increase of thy kine, and the flocks of thy sheep. 5 Blessed shall be thy basket and thy store. 6 Blessed shalt thou be when thou comest in, and blessed shalt thou be when thou goest out. 7 The Lord shall cause thine enemies that rise against thee to be smitten before thy face: they shall come out against thee one way, and flee before thee seven ways. 8 The Lord shall command the blessing upon thee in thy storehouses, and in all that thou settest thine hand unto, and he shall bless thee in the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.

As in each of the lines of this scripture my life has been carried through many flood waters and I found myself still standing. God has provided for me over the years, and even now, into my “silver-haired” years, He has never forsaken me. But in this one area of my life—the work of my hands—it still remains unfulfilled.

Yet, I still go to my author page where sales and pages read are posted every month—hoping that the screen will open and there will be sales! Sometimes, if I’m being honest, I ask myself why I do this. Something in me just can’t stop hoping. God restored my hope years ago, and I guess it’s going to take actually seeing success come from all my efforts with my books becoming fruitful to meet this deep need in my heart.

I pray for anyone reading my post today that you know success. Success in whatever you give yourself to in any creative way. I pray that all our lives will one day have—Enough nuts and raisins.

I bless you.

https://susantoddstoryweaver.com/books

 

 Handling the judgment of faith

Handling being judged either about our faith or lack of as Christians is such an added burden. Even if you’re reading this and you are not a Christian, I’m sure in some way you have been judged by well-meaning people.

One of the greatest times we are hurt by judging friends or family is during health problems. I’ll address this as a Christian because I am one.

There are so many scriptures about healing. They are as trustworthy as any other ones we have stood upon in our faith. The very first one is for salvation. Trusting that God IS and that Jesus’ death on the cross bought our salvation and forgiveness. Its all by faith. And until the day we pass from this world faith is what we hold on to. We trust. We believe. But the actual experience can only come on the day the Lord takes us home.

Healing is something that we can see with our eyes and experience in our bodies while we are still here. It starts with going to God in prayer with His Word. That is the key to healing. Holding up God’s Word to Him in prayer is like taking a written promise from another person back to them and trusting they meant what they said to you. Of course, talking about other humans, that’s not always possible.

We can fail one another for so many reasons, even when we truly did mean what we said. But with God, his character is perfect. He cannot lie and is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He is the only ironclad promise for any need in our lives.

So what happens when you have prayed, believed the Word, and asked others to agree with you, and the healing doesn’t come?

The absolute worst part of it, more than the continued symptoms, is the judgment. It comes in the form of, “You must not have prayed right.” “Your faith is weak.” “You are not believing enough.” “You are trying too hard or too little.”

If you have read the book of Job, then you can understand this posting. Job’s friends accused him of every lack of faith and sin at the time when he was in such pain already. He’d lost his livestock, his family, and then his health. What more could he possibly have left?

Judging friends.

They wanted to find some kink in Job’s armor to justify what was happening. Going through my current situation, I have found myself sitting in Job’s world listening to the emotional beating he took on top of the main loss.

It's so easy to judge another person’s faith. To pick around in their life, trying desperately to find THE reason prayers are not being answered.

I have a statement that I make to God all the time when I find myself in a new valley. It goes like this;

“Lord, I’m not going anywhere. I’m not going to stop loving You or trusting you. Even if things don’t change, I’m still going to praise You and thank you for my life.”

That’s the bedrock of my faith. Loving God, trusting Him despite what befalls my life. THAT to me is a solid faith. Everything here in this life is subject to change or not change.

Faith in God alone is the only solid ground we can stand on. It’s the only thing that brings peace and stills my heart. Especially when even the body of Christ sits around you with all the theology of healing. All the testimonies of other people who were healed. All the pamphlets, videos, and teachings offered to you even in good faith, and still your situation remains.

I walked through a previous time of healing and came out the other side healed. I know what it means to speak the Word of God, believe and pray, and also follow that path of obedience like the man with the mud on his eyes. Jesus put the mud on his eyes and told him to go wash in the pool.

Other times, direct instant healing was given. I think that is when the judgment comes in. I certainly don’t have all the answers. I can only go to God with my whole heart, confess my need of Him, and believe IN Him.

If you are amid a valley, slogging through the problem, and on top of it, the judgment of others… Dear Soul, let it go. Turn your eyes on the Lord alone. Forget even trying to understand healing.

Rest in His loving comfort. It’s okay to not be okay. To not understand. All that truly matters is seeking the presence of the Lord more than your healing, being perfect in your faith, or what anyone believes about you.

You have my sincere prayers if you passed by here today. I hope you found something to hold on to.

No judgement…. I bless you.

 

Is your Happiness packed in boxes?

My life here in Florida has been going through some major changes. I’d already known that it wasn’t going to be easy making a major move at the tender age of seventy-six. Somehow, by the Grace of God, He gave me the strength daily to tackle one box at a time until a mountain of boxes impeded my moving about the apartment freely.

I tried to mark the boxes so that I would know what was in each one. Two boxes indicated what was safely packed within them—MY Sweetest possessions.

It might sound like “senior sentiment” but every day I could feel the need to get this sweet gift out of the box and back into my daily line of view. My son gave me these precious little china joys. The story is as precious to me as they are.

It was Mother’s Day or Birthday, that part eludes me. But My Son was overseas in England at the time. I’d been doing the long-distance Mothering thing for months. But I knew it was part of a son joining the Military. They say go and the enlisted–go.

But I have a son whose heart is always mindful of what his mother is going through. So, during a phone call to let me know that my gift was coming, he included this statement, “Mom, the minute I saw this, the first thing I said was that this looks just like my Mom.”

I was so excited about what happy comparison would come in the mail to me. The package arrived safely, and I immediately began to open it. I already had a flood of tears threatening to spill out from behind my eyes because of missing my son.

I carefully lifted the packing paper which led to softer white tissue paper. The first thing I saw was the white lid that evidently went to a teapot. As I continued to clear away the paper my expectations of pulling some cheerfully created teapot soon vanished. The further I pulled the teapot out the whiter it grew. By the time all I could see was a round solid white teapot my mind traveled back to my son’s statement, “Mom this reminds me of you.”

I sat holding the teapot still sitting in a handful of tissue paper and my mind paused. “My son thinks I remind him of a “solid white teapot?” There wasn’t one stroke of color anywhere on this teapot. It certainly had a playful round shape—like me, but that was all. I instantly thought that must have been the comparison my son made.

I took a deep breath and pulled the tissue paper completely away from the bottom of the teapot and that is when the tears came along with a loud exclamation of, “OH MY GOODNESS!!”

Standing now before me on its two little feet adorned with Mary Jane shoes and polka-dotted socks was the sweetest thing I had ever seen! I did the laughing/ crying thing a mother does when her heart is filled with joy.

As I uncovered each little treasure, they were soon all standing in front of me in their own set of socks and shoes. I stared at them for hours.

So, when I moved here to Florida, they had been packed carefully ensuring their safe travel. I have now been here for ten months, and my sweet little friends were still packed away.

I reason that because of the unexpected events surrounding my move here, my heart didn’t want to unpack them if I wasn’t staying. It’s taken ten months filled with a great deal of prayer, tears, and encouragement from a couple of lovely people God has been using to assure me that God doesn’t make mistakes. I knew in my heart that this was where I was to come. But the expectations I set were way too high and too much my own. God DID bring me here but for other reasons than mine.

Getting to open my heart up to God’s plan has been a test of Faith and much extended Grace.

God is so good to His children. He hears our thoughts far off and knows about every hurt we go through. I just had to open my mind and heart to be able to see the Plan God had for me living here.

When I did, God had a man show up at my door who is acting as an advocate for each resident in my building. He introduced me to a lovely lady who had just asked him the day before about wanting to volunteer to help anyone who needed any transportation. He gave her my name and the contact was made and thoroughly enjoyed! My need has more than been met.

Then he put me in touch with a group here called Stephen Ministries. This is a group of individuals who go through quite extensive training to become ambassadors of the Lord. They come to listen and encourage anyone who might need a caring touch.

This is the second plan God had for me. I lost my lifelong friend who was going to come to see me and us doing things together as we had planned due to unforeseen events. The disappointment was huge.

But God had always promised me that He would never leave or forsake me. I just had to let Him lift my head and heart to see that that was still true.

So, the other day, once I settled it in my heart that I’m staying here, I unwrapped not only my heart, but my Sweet Little “footed” friends! It might sound silly, but the first night I sat across from the shelf where they were now standing, I felt—at home! I had not felt that way since coming here. Every day my heart was torn between here and wishing that I had never moved here. I knew something had to change. I could not live with the indecision. It was affecting me in more ways than one.

Let my story encourage any reader that God is Faithful. He will never forsake any child of His. He always has a plan for our lives and promises to help us find that Plan if we are willing even when our hearts are so hurt and our eyes downcast. He is the Glory and the lifter of our heads!

Things will and do get better when we allow God to show us what to do and then trust Him no matter what.

Now every time I look at my little Sweeties standing across from me, they bring even more joy to my heart! They are twice given—once from my son and then as a promise from God that he knows what's best for me. Seeing them has become an unspoken, “Welcome Home.”

My son texted me the same statement. I know that it has helped lessen the pain he has been feeling also. Now he too can rest assured that his mother is truly at home!

I bless you!

 

 

 

 

Just as if you were there…

Technology can be amazingly beneficial or devastating to a person’s mind. As I have grown older, there are many things that I can no longer do that I once found simple. But lately, I’ve also been able to go places and do things that my life never would have afforded me, thanks to being able to watch the physical accomplishments of others.

I’ve watched families build a home from the ground up, flanked by the backdrop of majestic mountains, the kind I can only see on a calendar. One young woman with a crazy inner drive has secluded herself away from other people in one of the coldest places on earth. Why? I don’t have any idea. But I can watch her daily activities without having to be there freezing to death or dodging the threat of polar bears wanting me for breakfast.

Lately, I’ve been drawn to the book of Ephesians. Every morning, I’ve read over the first two chapters, not able to read past them. They contain incredible promises given to me as a believer by God the Father. That’s how you have to approach the Bible. You have to see it as a letter that has come in the mail to you. You have to read it with the same enthusiasm and interest that you would if you got a letter from a dearest friend. But how many of us do that?

I read these events written by people who were THERE at the time. They might have been the ones receiving the words directly from God, and I wasn’t there—or was I? I might not have been there physically, but nevertheless, what was spoken to the person at the time was also being spoken for them to convey what was said; to me. All these years later, the letter arrived, and I opened it.

I love the movie A Few Good Men. I have watched it numerous times. I watch it, anticipating the moment when Colonel Nathan R. Jessep gets arrested. He’s an arrogant man who has let power go to his head and uses it to lord it over everyone he comes in contact with. He believes that he is completely above being called out for any of his actions. So, at the moment in the courtroom when Lt. Daniel Kaffee, a lesser man in Col. Jessep’s opinion, takes him down, I usually holler, “Yes!”

It's a movie, I understand that, and the people are just actors, but the emotion it evokes in me is real. I have had times in my life when I was at the mercy of an individual who controlled my life with their heady power over me just because they could.

I don’t know any normal person who wouldn’t shout when the hammer drops on the evil doer. We don’t have to have been there, but somehow, we feel a part of the justice served.

I have no memory of being with God before the creation of the world, but the Word says that I was there. I had yet to be born into this sinful world. I came as every human being—born into this sinful nature. I had no way of avoiding it and neither have you. The world fell into sin by our original ancestral parents—Adam and Eve. Because of their sin, we become sinners.

You might cry out, “But I wasn’t there! I wouldn’t have done what they did! Why am I being punished?”

If that is your argument, you’re not alone. We all have thought the very same thing. But that would be missing the point. It doesn’t matter if we were physically there at the time; what matters right now, at this moment, is what is being offered to us as redemption. Wouldn’t you be more interested in hearing about someone coming to your defense? Now, no longer focusing on why, wouldn’t you be more interested in who it is who is now offering you complete payment for your sin? Wouldn’t you want someone to come tell you? Someone who saw and heard what was said and done?

There’s another place where I wasn’t physically present at the time it happened. Let’s look at this letter. Mark 16: 1-7 Now when the Sabbath was past, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices, that they might come and anoint Him. 2 Very early in the morning, on the first day of the week, they came to the tomb when the sun had risen. 3 And they said among themselves, “Who will roll away the stone from the door of the tomb for us?” 4 But when they looked up, they saw that the stone had been rolled away—for it was very large. 5 And entering the tomb, they saw a young man clothed in a long white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed. 6 But he said to them, “Do not be alarmed. You seek Jesus of Nazareth, who was crucified. He is risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid Him. 7 But go, tell His disciples—and Peter—that He is going before you into Galilee; there you will see Him, as He said to you.”

Here is the moment in time where what Jesus had been telling all who followed Him had happened. Now He wanted others to come see for themselves what these three women were privileged to be the first to know. But what always catches my eye are these two words—and Peter. Jesus had already known about Peter’s denial, cursing, and sinful conduct right before His crucifixion. He knew that Peter was riddled with anguish. Can you imagine when these women ran to tell the disciples and then turned and said, “And, Peter, Jesus made it a point to tell you that he wants to see you.”

Can you imagine the agony and perhaps fear that ran through Peter at having to face Jesus again? He knew what he had done. But what ends up happening is completely different than what Peter was expecting—what he knew he deserved. All his expectations had been dashed when Jesus was taken and crucified. So, Peter did the only thing he thought was left for him to do—he went back to fishing. I imagine him finding himself sitting in that boat once again, wondering what in the world had just happened, was torment. I hope you will take the time to read John Chapter 21.

Peter has to come face to face with Jesus and get what he knows he deserves. Unlike the character of Col. Jessep, who remains totally unrepentant of his actions, Peter comes humbly, deserving of whatever Jesus decides he deserves. In Peter’s mind, it certainly wasn’t breakfast and forgiveness.

None of us were physically there for any of the events in the Word of God. But the people who were there have sent Word for us to come, the Bible is God’s voice saying, “And (insert your name) Susan.” It’s God still saying through His Word, “I want to see you.” It can be one of the scariest happening or THE most forgiving, life-giving moment of your life. In this post today, I want my voice to be saying to each of you, “God wants to see you.”

If you take this invitation and humbly go to God, you’ll be wonderfully amazed by the outcome. Sadly, don’t be like the movie character Col. Jessep; there will be people who will never feel that they have done anything wrong, deserving judgment and the consequences of their actions.

I pray you are not one of those people.

I bless you.

 

 

 

 

 

Do you ever feel like you are never enough? What do you think God meant by . . . small things?

Luke 16;10 He who is faithful in what is least is faithful also in much, and he who is unjust in what is least is unjust also in much. 

I woke today struggling with some of the small, seemingly insignificant things I do that only God sees me doing. Some of them might be termed OCD, but I don’t put that tag on them. I don’t go around having to touch things three times before I can relax. Some might seem very silly or questionable but let me explain. I’ve included for Biblical clarity what the Word says about being faithful in a job well done—even the smallest ones.

I hate to admit it but not taking the time to finish something has cost me more than if I had done it right the first time. Does anyone know what I’m talking about?

So, God trains me in this fault of mine in small simple ways. I hear the Holy Spirit encouraging me before I am about to neglect to do these small things and am encouraged.

Here is one of my biggest small issues. Living in a community housing where other people use the laundry room also, they ask that you do two things. Clean out the dryer filter and leave the door open on both the washer and dryer so it will air out. Not rocket science—small simple actions.

And yet, when I’ve folded my clothes and stacked them, I realize that the job isn’t done. That’s when something in me groans. Several times, as I’ve turned to leave, I hear the voice of the Holy Spirit chastening me. You’d think I was being asked to fly over the building. I start an argument that I know I’m not going to win. Yes, I can win it, but for the rest of the night, I will know that I was disobedient in such a small matter. So, as I turn around, and take the time to do this small insignificant act before I exit the laundry room I wonder where in the whole scheme of life this even matters. It doesn’t. It only matters in my life.

It's not about the task, although it does serve a purpose for the next person using the facilities. The purpose is for my growth in the Lord. I’ll explain a little further. I was raised by a father who was never happy with anything I did. I called it, “never enough nuts or raisins.” No matter what my sister, mother, or I cooked, we either never put enough raisins or nuts in it or we put too many. We knew from the second we presented him with a plate that the praise for a job well done wasn’t coming—but we kept trying.

Sure enough, there was always something we neglected to do right. This is where my current straining to complete the job’s smallest step pulls at my emotions. “There’s always ONE MORE thing! I never can get it completely right!”

So, you might be asking, if I know this, then why don’t I make room for that final step or maybe even do it the minute I open the dryer door? Wouldn’t that be the wise thing to do? Why wait until I’m forced into the feeling of disobedience? What is still in me?

I won’t bore you with all the stuff that happens, just one more. When I’m cooking or fixing a sandwich and have gotten everything out on the counter it happens. I fix whatever it is, and I hear that inner voice saying, “Put everything away before you go sit down.” My inner child wants to scream! “Always, one more thing! Always, something I still have to do before I’m done!”

I know I might sound like a crazy person but now I’ll tell you why God deals with me in this way. Friend, it has nothing to do with a lint filter or a jar or two sitting on the counter or a knife needing to be rinsed off in the sink—it’s about God wanting to heal that damaged child that still exists in a seventy-six-year-old woman. It's God’s love yet again softly trying to show me that I can complete the small touches and walk away with hearing Him say, “Good job Susan!” That’s what I never heard in my whole life from a father I desperately tried to please—over and over again.

But God isn’t like that. In fact, He starts his praise and acknowledgment of being proud of me before I even finish. I’m not a psychologist by any means, but I’d venture to say that millions of people are still acting out of some childhood damage to this very day.

I’m shaking my head as I write this because my heart aches over the thought of how much lasting damage is done by people who were supposed to love and protect our innocent inner child. They were supposed to teach us how to learn valuable life lessons positively. Sadly, this one was so ingrained in me that it goes with me into a laundry room or my kitchen.

I hate it. I hate there is even a trace of it left in me. Believe me when I share this when I say that it isn’t as bad as it used to be! I used to have to stop and cry in frustration over this small problem. Now my turnaround time is so short. I hear it, I take the time to complete this one small final act and then I am free to go about my day. No condemnation followed me nipping at my heels for the rest of the day. No voice accusing me of not having enough nuts or raisins. Just God’s loving praise of a job well done and that He is proud of me.

And finally, we don’t have to do this on our own, we have help. The Holy Spirit in us is ready to help us to both WILL and heal even the smallest issue by helping us DO what we cannot do ourselves.

Please finish by reading over these scriptures knowing that if you have believed in the death and resurrection of Jesus and are saved, that you have help.

Ephesians 1:13 In Him, you also trusted, after you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation; in whom also, having believed, you were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise.

Philippians 2:13 for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.

John 14; 26 But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all the things that I said to you.

I bless you.

 

Have you ever wrapped your life around just one Person?

Recently, during an introspective prayer, I realized that maybe the decisions I was making only included one person when God wanted them to include more than just this person.

It’s a hard thing to let a relationship go. No matter what that relationship is; marital, friend, or even family. Trusting that God has a plan is nearly impossible to do. We struggle with whether or not it is God asking us to let go. Are we making a mistake? Are we letting our feelings get in the way? I’ve heard and read that God has a plan for every one of us—saved and not saved.

Every human being God has designed for something. Before the creation of the world, he knew every one of us. That’s a bold statement for some of you to believe. But if you are a believer and read the Word and have a real relationship with the Holy Spirit then that statement isn’t strange to you. The hard part is finding that plan. I have struggled to understand just what it is that God planned for my life. I’m running out of life. At seventy-six years old my time is getting shorter and shorter.

I can look back over my life and it looks like the path of a drunken sailor. Back and forth, stumbling, faulting, stopping, and at times plummeting forward. There isn’t a straight line anywhere in my past. So, I have to ask myself, this major question—have I been walking in the plan and didn’t recognize it?

It's not all been haphazard. The one true thing that I know is that for fifty-three years God has been in my life. I have heard His voice and followed His direction up to this very last move. But, and it’s a BIG but, was this part of His plan? I was optimistic when I moved to Florida. My eyes were on one person and now I see that God has other plans. I wrapped my plans around one person and God wanted my life to include more than one person.

I’m seeing that now although it’s been hard to adjust. It’s always hard to let go of a dream or expectations that don’t happen. You have to sit in the pile of ashes for a while and cry. But coming to grips with reality is the only way out of disappointment. When I woke up this morning at four o'clock and came to write this posting, I heard the Lord clearly say to me that He was giving me the oil of Joy for the spirit of heaviness.

I’ve had to let God lift my head and open my eyes to possibilities of what and who is around me other than that one person. I’m running out of time. I can’t afford to waste any more of my life waiting on this person to make me a priority. Although, they have been my priority for years.

I did something this morning that needed to be done. And maybe my sharing with any reader will enable you to take the same move. I surrendered that place in my heart that this one person has had for years, I found myself realizing that God has been slowly and lovingly cutting that tie so that He can have that place in my life that only He deserves to have. It’s not easy to let go. But it’s probably going to be the second-best thing I have done since believing in God and becoming a Christian.

Giving God that number one place in my heart is another step in salvation’s story. It’s what He is after in every one of our lives, putting Him first. Loving Him more than any other person. No matter what their relationship is with us. It’s hard to read that we are to forsake our mother, father, sister, brother, friend, and any other relationship we form in this life.

When I closed my eyes and bent my head this morning in surrendering all my expectations I had when I moved here, I meant it. I asked God to help me now look around me and see that perhaps it was for more than just one person. Maybe my outlook on the world was too small. Maybe there are other people that God wants to bring into my life that need what He has put into me. Maybe I was willing to just swim in one small pond when God wants to cast me into an ocean of people who will benefit from what I have gone through in my life. Maybe He wants to do the same thing with you.

I don’t see everything yet, but I know that my decision was right this morning. At other times there was hurt and pain and a whole lot of tears, this morning there was peace about letting go. In letting go, it opens us up to new people, new possibilities, and new experiences.

But the main thing is I’m putting God in His rightful place. I don’t ever want anyone to have that place ever again. I’m not saying that I won’t form new relationships and enjoy new people, but I don’t want any person to hold that place in my heart but God.

My footprint here in this blog is small and I only know that it’s being read by the number counting views of my page. So, if it reaches even one person in that respect then I’m fulfilling God’s plan and that’s the whole point of what I do.

I bless you.